Andrew.

When Barbara offered me the job at West Hartford Yoga I think that I intuitively knew it was "now or never" (in terms of my hopes of having a family and becoming a mother). At first I was hesitant to leave Los Angeles, but it didn't take long for me to make a decision and move across the country to start my new chapter.

I arrived in Connecticut in March of 2007. I started the adoption process in March of 2008.

I was with an agency and decided to go through Haiti. Haiti was a generous country in terms of allowing singles to adopt their children. There were many meetings held and a ton of papers signed. I was glad to have a focus and feel like (at the very least) I was on the path towards becoming a mom. I was 36 years old. I was more than ready.  I was a motherless mother. I felt empty all the time.

Things moved very slowly. I was becoming impatient and slightly depressed. I felt like everywhere I went there were women with their babies....laughing....mocking me. Haha it actually did feel like that.

One night my friend and I were hanging out and I asked her about her pregnancies. She told me a really sweet story about her second pregnancy with her daughter and how her doctor was convinced her baby had Down syndrome. She spoke openly about what went on in her mind for the week she waited for the results; her process was raw and real and (in my opinion) beautiful.

There was this moment and I knew I had to do it.

That night I researched adopting children with Down syndrome. Is this even a thing? I had no idea. Well, it just so happened that it was. I filled out the paperwork and sent it in the next day. I did not tell my agency. My thought was - my baby will come to me - whether he is dark skinned with beautiful, curly, black hair. Or. He is pale skinned with almond shaped eyes and carries an extra chromosome....he will come to me.

I waited.

I had one false hope. A little boy ( I named Nathan) that I was in the running for (weird right?). Another family and I both wanted him. He needed two surgeries 72 hours after birth. I was ready, but the other family was chosen. I felt broken.

My friend who had adopted from China assured me that this is only bringing me closer to my baby. "Be patient. He will come."

Out of the blue one afternoon I get a call. It's the Ds adoption number. My heart stops beating and my stomach falls to my feet. They wanted to know if I was familiar with Farmington, Ct.? "Um yes it happens to be my neighbor." "Well, there's a little boy there. You need to be there today. The family is desperately searching for parents for him. The adoptive family they had chosen "unmatched" once they found out he had Down syndrome and they cannot take him."

I remember saying, "Tell them he has a parent!"

Five hours later I was going up the elevator towards the UConn NICU to meet my son. I was standing with my best friend (who told me the story about her daughter) and the birth parents. It was the longest two minutes of my life. We walked the maze of the hospital and arrived at the NICU. We stood at the sink where we were timed 3 minutes to wash our hands. Another very long 3 minutes.

Then we walked in. Each baby I passed..."Is that him?"

When we got to his incubator I saw him. Two feelings went through me. The first was God. I felt the presence of God for the first time in my life. It was palpable and overwhelming and all-consuming. The second was familiarity. I met this child before. He felt so familiar that I knew it would be fine and this was, in fact, my son. (After becoming a mom 3 more times I know this was an authentic experience. I've not had this particular feeling again.)

The nurse asked us who gets the baby? His birth mother answered, "His mom does."

And that was that.

Andrew James Poole.

Just getting started.

I spent most of my adult life (until I was about 35) doing whatever I wanted. It was a great life really. I spent a lot of time touring with friends going to Tori Amos shows and a lot of time alone trying to figure out how to be a person in this overwhelming world.

I have always known that I wanted to be a mom although I wasn't quite sure how that would look since I was too terrified to put myself on the line and let love in (fast forward to now xo). Adoption always called out to me. It sort of seemed like a no-brainer. 

What really gets me is this:

For so long I had very little. The biggest things I had in my life were my dreams. I had high hopes for this lifetime and the act of being in those fantasies was enough for me. It was exciting....and safe.

I lived alone for a long time. I spent a ton of time up in my head hoping for something more; longing for a chance at motherhood and family.

Fast forward 10-15 years. What a beautiful life I have. And. It's so painful at times. 

Laying on my couch in Los Angeles I had full control over my future. My fantasies were navigated by the wizardry of my mind. Nothing bad ever happened - and if it did - it was quickly glossed over by something bigger and better. There was nothing on the line.

Sometimes I stare at my children and want to cry. Their sweetness, their innocence, their amazing stories, but most of all it's their vulnerabilities that grab me. How can I allow them their own  experiences when all I want to do is control their experiences?

I have so much to learn as a mother; so much to let go of.