Just getting started.

I spent most of my adult life (until I was about 35) doing whatever I wanted. It was a great life really. I spent a lot of time touring with friends going to Tori Amos shows and a lot of time alone trying to figure out how to be a person in this overwhelming world.

I have always known that I wanted to be a mom although I wasn't quite sure how that would look since I was too terrified to put myself on the line and let love in (fast forward to now xo). Adoption always called out to me. It sort of seemed like a no-brainer. 

What really gets me is this:

For so long I had very little. The biggest things I had in my life were my dreams. I had high hopes for this lifetime and the act of being in those fantasies was enough for me. It was exciting....and safe.

I lived alone for a long time. I spent a ton of time up in my head hoping for something more; longing for a chance at motherhood and family.

Fast forward 10-15 years. What a beautiful life I have. And. It's so painful at times. 

Laying on my couch in Los Angeles I had full control over my future. My fantasies were navigated by the wizardry of my mind. Nothing bad ever happened - and if it did - it was quickly glossed over by something bigger and better. There was nothing on the line.

Sometimes I stare at my children and want to cry. Their sweetness, their innocence, their amazing stories, but most of all it's their vulnerabilities that grab me. How can I allow them their own  experiences when all I want to do is control their experiences?

I have so much to learn as a mother; so much to let go of.